A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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