He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
