I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize