Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
