Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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