everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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