I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I didn't notice because vodka
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
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