you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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