i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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