I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
