i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
