i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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