It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
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