Don't make out with my wife yet
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Randomize
