dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
