U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
