she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
