I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize