In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
