mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
