We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
