This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Randomize
