Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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