Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
