and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
