I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
