Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
