when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Randomize
