don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
