i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
