I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
