woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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