Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I want to fling myself into the sun
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
