Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
