All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
