Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
