I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
