I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
