My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
