there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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