You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
