Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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