On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize