Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize