I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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