I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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