Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
