dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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