I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
