when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
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