I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
