I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
