one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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