He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
