my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
