Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
