i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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