I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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