i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
