i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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