dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
