need another drink. this is the easiest way
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
