five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
