she woke up with a sticky ear
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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