You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
