I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
