people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Watching her eat just hurts me
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I want to fling myself into the sun
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
