Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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