My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
