I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
