Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
