I'm so fucking centered right now
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
